Damn space bar.

I'm on the desktop, and this confounded space bar sticks, and its maddening...but anyway.
I'm depressed. I've been wanting to shout it from every online account I have, but I grew out of that when I was 15, so I come here.
These blogs have become a sort of Haven lately. My mind is in more turmoil then its been in months. For the first time in ages,I scratched another tally mark into my bedroom wall.
It all started when I realized how much I'm alone...Molly goes out with friends constantly, but my small fragile circle has broken up, and I've never been good at making new friends...really, I've always made friends through friends I already had...and now that there are none...there are no new friends to meet.

Half of my friends went to college, and all but two (Alison and Spencer, Spence being my friend for almost 13 years) have just told me...I'm not a college kid, so I'm a loser, and ceased talking to me altogether.
The rest just...found different friends. I'm left with Steph, who has been my best friends for almost seven years, but now she is always with Christina, and honestly, has been downing me in front of people lately. I don't really blame her...right now, Christina can just give her something that I can't. I'm just happy that she has someone she can go to, even if that someone isn't me. God knows how much I hate constantly turning to this screen instead of a actual face to vent.
But such is life.
I wonder, what have I done to truely offend this many people? Elizabeth....Brent....Christina....Joey....etc. Am I such a horrible person, and I just don't realize it? I keep probing myself, hoping to figure it out. But I can't.
I just miss going out with friends and doing nothing, but having so much fun doing it.

If Screaming Could Break The Way I Feel

The above title just popped into my head a few moments ago. 
I'm getting ready, for fifth time this week, to clean Caleb's kitchen top to bottom. I'm beyond irritated, and heading into madness, in both sense of going insane, and just being explainabley angry.
My dad lectures me every time I don't do laundry, don't clean up, don't make home cooked meals, etc, etc. 
But how can I explain to him properly the resentment I feel? Its not my kids I'm wasting my life on, its not my laundry I'm doing, its not my food I'm cooking, and its not the chopped up slobbered remenants from my mouth I am later scrubbing off the plates. Its not my house I'm living in, I have no say in the decorations, I have no room here. I sleep on the floor, or if I'm lucky, the couch. 

...I ENJOY cleaning. I wouldn't mind once o ever cleaning, cooking, or raising a child...if it were mine. And that sounds horrible. But I've been living the torn and tattered left overs of other peoples lives since I was six, and I'm so sick of it I can practically taste the bile at the back of my throat.
Sorry if this seems abnormally cruel for me, but I'm writing whats in my head, so it can't be helped. 
I would enjoy being a house wife (to a extent, I don't want to turn into one of those Toading women who are controlled by there husband just because they feel entitled because they get paied for what they do, and housewives don't...but I can't really see Andy doing that...I mean, part of me can, but the greater part doesn't) Taking care of my kids, cleaning, cooking, setting up arts and crafts, making a nice and comfortable home for Andy. Writing when I had the chance, get a book published. I would love it all. 
This is nothing like that. This is like a prison with white hot iron bars. 
My day; I get up, Moe and me get Gage ready for the buss, I clean the kitchen, make breakfast, clean up from Breakfast, pick up toys, do minor housework until Gage gets home. Stick in a movie, make lunch, clean up after lunch, cram my own lunch, scrub down all the counters, pick up everything on the floor, do laundry usually, spend time with kids, listen to Molly talk about how much she hates her life, get stuff ready for dinner, talk to Cabe a bit when he gets home, make dinner, eat dinner, clean up after dinner...now to mention many diper changes in between, change out fits, break up fights, time outs, etc. . . every day, ever other week. 
It doesn't make it any better then I've been sick since the night before last, and I can't go home. 

~Andy~

I miss Andy. 
I miss him really bad. Its been almost three years. Three years of him riding back and forth to see me almost every weekend. Almost three years of him putting up with my families infuriating attitudes and lies. Almost three years of me putting up with his Mom's border line verbal abusiveness, and for the first year, trying to break us up...I still can't believe that phone call she had with my mom...though, now that shes started dating Scott, shes actually really pleasant to talk to now. 
I'm having a hard time sleeping with out him anymore. Which is funny, because for a while it took me a while to get use to it, and I use to feel like he was strangling me, but now...I miss when I roll over and no one rolls after me like he does...if he had it his way he would roll me right off the bed XD he misses me ever in his sleep, haha. 
I miss not being able to run my hands through his hair when I wake up from a bad dream to comfort myself. 
I've been having a horrible time not sleeping lately, I thought it was just my normal pattern every year...but last note I woke up, and I swear to Bob, my chest ACHED...I almost started crying, I just wanted to lean back and feel him against me, hold his arms wrapped around me. And I couldn't, and I was so sad...I couldn't fall back asleep after that for at least a couple hours. 
I wish I could see him tomorrow night, I need him really bad right now, I feel so empty this week without him. I think its because how we've been lately. I don't know if he notices it, but I do. 
I can actually get ANGRY at him now. Instead of just being quiet and brudeing. I'm so comfortable around him...I can't explain it. I've never been that comfortable around anyone, even myself. 
Blah. I'm being all mooshy...*sigh* Well, the dishes aren't going to do them selves...

"I wish I was a butterfly, I'd fly and fly, until it was my time to die."

Lyrics taken from Tapping the Vein's song Butterfly.
Even though the lyrics are some what cheesy, my two songs of the day are that and "Beautiful" by the same band.
It is that time of year, Blueberry festival. Last year I missed it, I had a mixture of strep and upper respiratory infection. I'm looking forward to this year immensely, but at the same time, as always when there is a large gathering of people I know, something is pestering me.
Molly. Not her herself, but the way she looks. Its hard, to have two almost flawless siblings, and then be me.
Over weight, and no boobs...hurray for the ugly duckling!
Everyone is constantly looking at her, admiring her, she giggles, bats her lashes, and I have to sit there, introducing myself to the same person for the third time because they don't remember me.

-_-; like now, she comes in, perfect hair, perfect makeup, beautiful skinny outfit, and asks me how she looks. Me, having to smile, tell her how beautiful she looks, just for her to sight dramatically and go "Its not good enough" and flounces off.
....*growls into pillow*
Anyway. I don't know, I'll get over it like I do every time. Its just frustrating. On the up side, my appetite is decreasing to almost zilch.

Le sigh...shes back. Complaining about her hair. Good Lord. . . Maybe if I took more effort in my appearance? I usually just through on some eyeshadow, black and blue lipstick, rack a comb through my hair, and I'm done in under five minutes. >>

ANYWAY! On to better things.
Its been ages since I've written on here, and I'm appalled at how bad my spelling was. Stephanie is turning my OCD about that sort of thing. My grammar still needs some massive re doing though.
So, what will most likely happen for BB-fest. I'll be listening to my headphones, watching Molly tittering and giggling. Guys drooling over her. I'll probably be blown off my Stephanie as per usual lately.
Really, my plans are to just kidnap Alison and Steph Dembinski one day.
Ugh, this blog is turning into a mess, I can't focus on anything. Two hours of sleep last night, one the night before. My mind is moosh.
To anyone who may fall upon this, I say, please ignore my previous blog entries. I was suffering from a period of retardedness. . .my apologies.
Well, I'm off to pack.

Hmmm....

My mind has been all chaos lately. Chaos chaos chaos.

To start things off, on top of my insecurities, ie; weight, lack of good clothes, un able to afford makeup. I'm now jelous of a girl I've never met.

There's this girl on facebook, and Andy comments her stuff like....all the time. I think hes commented me maybe five or six times since I got a facebook, and from his activity list he comments her stuff six times a WEEK...I feel so stupid. I'm just WAY over reacting...
And I feel guilty...I...ugh. I tried to log into his facebook last night to check on things T.T I only tried once, then I actually slapped myself and turned off the laptop as not to be tempted again.

I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HER?! ...all I can think of, is shes pretty, skinny, and prob isn't as stupid as me. . . I don't have one damn thing to offer Andy. . . In reality its the reason I can't get mad at him. Anytime I try I just think "Kate, back off, he could go out and find someone a lot better then you, and then you'll be lucky to get stuck with a abusive asshole who will still live with his mom in the next ten years" So...I just don't get angry. Hes the only person I've EVER cared about like this. I'm a bitch to most people, I don't give a shit what they think of me, and thats the honest truth. But when it comes to him I just fall apart, and tear everything apart, looking at ever flaw I have, trying to hide it before he see's it. Or be extra sweet to make up for it. . .

I just wish I had a job, and could pay for us to do things...I'd feel more secure knowing I could give him SOMETHING.

It Stings Like A Smack Across The Face.

I spent the weekend with Andy, and like always, it was amazing...He took me to the Morris to see a beautiful Christmas show with a Orcrestra, and before that we went out to eat and a beautiful resturaunt.
a few moments ago I sat in the recliner, alone because my parents were out getting groceries, and my little sister was upstairs on the laptop, undoubtedly mulling over some new teen angst.
I was going over the weekend, the ups and downs, my favorite parts, and the parts I didn't understand.
...And I had something..."smack" me, so to speak. This will sound bad at first, but bare with me...I don't know to whom I'm talking to because no one reads this anyway, so I suppose I'm telling myself to bare with...anyway.

Their isn't anyone who really knows me that doesn't know know how horrible it is for me every time Andy leaves, and usually the day after when I am riddling myself with questions, "why not this?" or "why didn't I do this?" or "Why didn't HE do this???" and ultimitley, I feel hurt and confused over nothing, and then it goes away, and then re appears the following Saterday night, Sunday, or Monday.
...See, I actually started realizing this later today, but we will come to this later.
I always wonder, why doesn't he respond to things the same way I do? When I talk about living together, possible engagement, still least possible marriage, he always gets a distant to uncomfortable look and attitude. I know the majority of guys do, but it still bugged me. Why am I so different them him? Why when I hug him, fawn over him, etc, I always get the same stare away from me, or quietness. I'm thrilled when he looks at me and responds with some other term of endearment. I always linked the two together, when I realized they are on two different planes completly.
I will adress both sepertly.
First off, the effection I show to him, can't really be shown back to me, because though everyone that walks the face of this wretched planet thinks I am the biggest bitch to breathe air, or at least most...I'm so different around him, and for him to show the same love back to me, would kill him...almost not joking. I realized after watching the last half of a poorly made "chick flick" *shudders* even as a female I give off way more effection then normal girls, or people do. I CONSTANTLY ambush him with hugs, kisses, I constantly play with his hair, run my hands over his chest, knuzzle his neck, tell him I love him, tell him how happy he makes me, I thank him AT LEAST twenty times every time I see him JUST for being my bf and being in my life. I'm serious, clingy doesn't even begin to touch the toe of how I am around him. I'm that way in public, and probably do everything on that list, every three minutes, unless I'm asleep. So I just need to get the "clue phone" as my mother says, that every relationship after so many months...for him it was about a year and a half, will start to...hm, not 'fade' but calm down if you will...I just haven't cooled yet, lol, I'm still red hot, and will probably remain that way for a good five, six years at least...thats just how I am...
...damn this walkmen, concrete girl WOULD come on right now...*smacks walkmen*...
Anyway, sorry...the second issue.
Of course Andy isn't going to purpose to me anytime soon, or marry me, and likely not rush for us to move in together, and though I didn't want to realize, there is a list of fantastic reasons to this...well not fantastic to me, but its...logical, which is something Andy is exceptional at.

I don't have...ok, I can't say that honestly, I don't have MUCH of a doubt that Andy will marry me, and I know we will at the least be engaged at one point, and I know he loves me, I do believe that with every fiber of my horribly made being.
Its just that...weather he wants to believe me or not, I see our reltionship differently then he does.
I see it UNLOGICALLY, because I am the girl who still very much believes in vampires, werewolves, in honesty, magic a bit, and that for everyone, God made a perfect soul to match theirs just because lonliness is not something God would make us endure. At least for long.
I see that I love him, I love him so much it hurts at times, like a raw pain that just gets ripped wider and wider every time he leaves, or anytime I know he is in pain...I hate it when he hurts. I see Andrew William Vaught as someone who loves me unconditionally for ME, he treats me like a PRIZE not some...rat you can't shake from your heels. He loves me when he shouldn't, he likes that I'm weird, that I look at things differently, and he doesn't think I'm beautiful, he knows I am...if that sounded arrogent, then you didn't understand it.
I see that when I'm with him, I couldn't possibly feel more calm and peaceful, more whole and excepted. So, I look at in unlogically because I just want to be with him in any form I can get it, disregarding our age, finacial situation, maturity, and future.
Andy sees it like...well, a very smart 19 year old boy. <--- the boy comes into this. Pay attention.
His list is realistic, and I hope to remember it the next time I want to use PMS as a reason to take out my unsaid anger issues (haha!)
He is 19, I am 17...Andy at 19 wants to play airsoft with his friends, play video games, do his homework unburdened by heavy responsabilites such as rent, groceries, etc.
Andy is still very much a boy, and I DO NOT say this as a bad thing, I love it about him, he drags me out of my grumpy to old status, and into the playground with him, he reminds me to laugh, and look at things from a more imature perspective, basically, he is the reason I have fun. ugh I'm rambling about him again...back to the point. Andy is also very much a man, and anyone who says other wise, I will knock your fucking skull in. He has gone through more shit, then some guy friends I have who try to say things about him...majority of which I have stopped talking to. The others just get pointed out they are dating people they don't really love. He has withstood much, and proudly. He is classy like men can't be anymore, he is polite, complete gentleman, is honest, trust worthy, loyal, loving, caring, charming, strong, and I don't have a doubt, could probably kick anyone...and yes, I do mean anyone, I knows ass.....gr, ok done rambling.
Like I said, Andy has that right to be a 19 year old boy, and do 19 year old boy things...I suppose I kind of forget...in my town at 17 most boys are out on their own, have a apartment, and are engaged/have a kid, with two jobs...but ya know, I would rather die then date any of those scum.
Andy is bright, with planes I want to support more then anything other then he himself. He wants to make sure he gets through college, which is hard when you are supporting yourself souly, I know, I've seen several friends go through it first hand...and most don't make it.
he wants to graduate, so supporting both of us? (though I would get a job, still...)
And he would have NO money and many more bills to catch up on when he gets out...no, he deserves better.
I know his mom is a pill sometimes, but he has a awsome basement, his own room, PS3, laptop, and Desktop, Car, and actually most of the time, the house to himself ( not to mention Jack :D ).

Why would he want to give all of that up to struggle like hell everyday of his life? To get me out, when he would only be putting himself in hell? Cause trust me, unless you are living in hell at home, thats what it is. Again, I've seen it. (Unless of course you have rich parents who pay for all the crap for you)
He deserves to NOT have to worry about finacial shit at his age, he deserves to come home to a house without worries the second he hits the door, he deserves to go out with his friends practically worry free...I'm not going to take that from him.
He already told me he wants to wait to get married until he is out of college for us to get married, so it can be a nice wedding...another thing I love him for.

See...I see our reltionship as something...idk how to put it...unique, which I guess everyone is...but more then that...Andy is...gr, I can't...
He feeds my soul. When people say "Oh yeah I would totally take a bullet for my bf/gf"...I can guarente, 99.9% of them wouldn't.
...I would. I don't care if you don't believe me...I would in a mila second if it prevented him pain in anyway.
He...loves me, I know he loves me, deeply, when he says he will marry me one day, I almost fully believe him, when he says we will be engaged one day, I do believe him...but where as I am stuck with a mind set of someone who spent most of her life through books, and through others eyes, friends, and others...I just don't see why their is this block between us keeping us apart, we could push it, in any direction to move it...but Andy see's that each direction has a land mine at the end...so he wants to push the block forward, and keep pushing it, keeping it between us, but saving us both from harm...when their are no more land mines in front of us...in any direction, I know he'll push it aside and there won't be anything but God to keeps us apart...man I hate the fucking block...*waves fist at unseen foe*...
...But I know I love him, and it hurts every time he leaves, and he will NEVER...NEVER know how much it almost burns when I feel him slip out of my hands and walk away from me...but as long as he loves me, and puts up with my insane ramblings, weird random talks, and even more sensless questions with no possible answer...I can wait. Painfully...but I'll be here.

I'll be on the other side of the block pushing, or pulling, with him.

Worries.

My two biggest fears have always been the same....Losing the ones closest to me, ie. Andy, Monkey, Molly, Dad, Mom, Uncle Mike, Granddy & Poppy, Caleb and the kids, and Brent....My second biggest fear, only ever told to Elizabeth in till now, is being that stupid girl who finely gave in, trusted, loved with everything she had, and then is left in the dirt looking the perfect fool.

That comes in later. It is of importance.

Not to long ago I talked to Andy about engagement, marriage, the big sha-bang of it all. I found it peaceful as it was equally disappointing...which I a sure you isn't a easy feat, to feel both of those emotions at the same time.
I'm not sure what I was expecting...but idk. He basically told me he doesn't want to get married in till he is out of college, and has the money, so that is any where from minimum four years, maximum six years, maybe even more...which means we wouldn't even be engaged in till a year before hand, because for some reason he thinks when you get engaged that you HAVE to get married a year later. . .
This doesn't really bother me to much, I can wait as long as he can...but the engagement thing does. He is moving out next year, or the following year, and I'm dying to move in with him, but there is part of it he doesn't get, even if he says he does...my family would quite litterley disown me if I moved in with someone without getting married. I'm not asking him to marry me, but I could at least tell them I was engaged....at least then they would treat me half way decent. Though I know I'm still gonna get back talked, gossiped over, and other wise given the silent angry treatment, but oh well. But I know he won't...So...can I honestly move in with him?
And its not just my family...its respect, respect he has for me. If I'm good enough to live with, share bills with, share a BED with...all of those things plus some...then how am I not good enough to at least have a promise like "You are worth more to me then just a girlfriend"....

Idk, that's a background problem I guess. Either I don't move in with him and be miserable and possibly hurt our relationship....or I do and I will feel like I'm worth nothing and be silently miserable anyway, and my family will hate me.

What my BIGGEST worry is right now is after he is done with college. We talked about it, I know he wants to move right after he is done....but here's the thing. I can't. He wants me too, but I want to finish college here. And I'm not budging off of it. But at the same time, how CAN'T I? I mean...gah, I love him so much it almost physically hurts sometimes. I STILL can't sleep the night before I'm suppose to see him, and its been almost two years, I still smile every time he looks at me, I still get butterflies every time he kisses me, and I still feel a rush of relief every time his arms wrap around me....I'll only be 21 when he finishes....Idk...

I want to move, deff, I hate this town, and really most of the surrounding towns, the only one I like is Culver. I just don't want to move when I'm not out of college, its gonna be hard for me, I need my family, my dysfunctional family, to help me through it...but I also need HIM, God do I need that boy...hes my night light in a world of unrelenting nightmares...

He says he'll stay, that he won't leave me...but I know he will...he hates Indiana, I know he wants to get away from his mom, and I love Andy, but he won't be happy working out of his house/apartment around here, he is very money oriented weather he realizes it or not...he won't make zilch doing that...he wants to excel in his job, make lots of mula, run a group of people, etc...he might stick around for a year, but really thats all I can see him doing it, and I know he'll be miserable the entire time...so how could I ask him to stay anyway?
...little ole me is not enough to make him stick around...I just wish I was.
I keep thinking, yeah we could see each other on web cam, but how long before he doesn't want to do that anymore? Yeah he'll call but how many years till that slows, then stops? . . . and how many before finds someone who could actually BE there for him? By the time he graduates I'll have...anywhere from 3 to 5 years left. Probably 4. But idk.
...If I lost Andy, I'd lose myself, there would be no reason for me to do anything...so...idk. These are all just speculations...but at the same time they feel so real, and frighteningly close...
Idk...I just wish I could have some reassurance.

I'm afraid of losing this...

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Writing Room.

When stressed I find myself escapeing to the same place latly.
A room, with hardwood floors that creak, high ceilings, long tall skinny windows with light that floods in just at the right time of day. . .
Practically empty except for large desk against one wall stacked with books and loose papers, which also have a tendency to spill out onto the surrounding floor...a few mismatched cheap looking book shelfs over flowing with odd assortments of novels.
My trinkets and random creative whims hanging from the tall ceilings, I have one of those old utality latters you see in stores a lot to reach them you see...clear strong strings with arts and crafts mirrors glued to them, catching the light and bouncing it off the walls in a rainbow of colors, dancing across the surface of everything they touch like some forgotten fairy tail creature.
I have my one corner with a easil and a small end table stacked with paints and paint brushs, unfortunetly the floor on that side didn't escape my random excited flair, paint splatters cover it making that corner stick out.
There is always music playing, everytime I open the door it poors out and hits me like a comforting wave, wrapping around me and submerging me in my world of writing.

This room is the room I've dreamt of and wanted since I was little, my writing room I long to have....I've just been thinking of it a lot, never wanted to tell anyone of it, so here it is.