I can't sleep. I eat I get sick. My nightmares are so much worse, and all I want to do at any given time is cry and slam my fists into the ground until they bleed and bone is exposed.
...I keep praying, which most of my friends ask me why, more then half my friends don't believe in God, or any anything for that matter. I can't explain to them why I do. My friend told me once, "I don't get it Kate. You've had one of the worst life's I know...seriously. Why do you put so much stock into something you never have any proof from?" I didn't even take a moment to answer. "*insert name here*, lets put it this way. If I'm wrong...and there is no God...what do I lose in the end?...nothing. Now, if I'm right, and your wrong...what do you lose? Everything there is to lose. Plus, I'm not a fool...I just know."
This, by no means, is to tell anyone who reads this that I think what you think (if you think there is no God) is wrong and stupid, feel free to think whatever you want...its just important to my life, so I wanted to clear that up.
Anyway, back to my original point.
I've never been so terrified in my entire life. I can't tell anyone why, because honestly, I don't...no, that would be saying to much. I just can't say anything.
But I'm scared, and tired, and confused, and in so much mental anguish it literally hurts to even think about getting up tomorrow mourning.
...I just want to curl up into a ball, close my eyes, and wait for my life to end. . . I can't tell anyone that. . .I just feel like there is a immense darkness thats just...waiting for me to give up, and, when I do, it will swallow me, and no one will ever hear my screams, I will never escape its depths.
Triles and Tribulations
Monday, September 27, 2010
| | | 0 commentsSo this is the second time I've posted this song in this blog, but its been on my mind a lot lately.
Andy has to move out of his house soon. His moms is getting on his last nerve it seems, and he's wanted to move out for the last couple years.
...I made the bad idea to bring up possibly moving into Caleb's after Britt and Casey move out. I didn't realize until later how bad of a idea that was. It SEEMED like a good idea at the time.
Andy would only have to pay 300 dollars a month, instead of the 600 dollars if he went anywhere else. I could live with him considering I have to live there every other week anyway. It seemed like a great and fantastic idea.
But then, after mentioning it to him, him acting excited over it, and leaving. I really started thinking about it.
Andy's not use to the drama that surrounds my family. I'm afraid of the effect it will have on him. Not only that, but the lasting effect it will have on our relationship. I couldn't get a job, because one of the exceptions to the bill being so low is me babysitting, cleaning, and doing all the cooking plus other things. So I couldn't get a job, which means I could never get money to spend on myself, which I've never had the opportunity to do anyway, but I would like to.
Then there is all the girls that flock around there. They see a guy, a good guy like Andy, and they Immediately sink their talons in to them and do everything in their power to try to get them.
I'm not worried about Andy, I've seen girls hit on him, really, really beautiful girls, when he didn't know I was watching or listening. He either ignores them, shows them a picture of me, or in one case, almost punched the girl in the face (he was a bit tipsy). I don't worry about him, its just the girls.
Then there are all of Caleb's guy friends. Vulgar, immature, and did I mention VULGAR? They talk for hours about things they would like to do to girls...and thats all the detail I will go into.
Besides my father, Andy is the biggest gentleman, and one of the most polite people I know. I'm terrified of them corrupting him. Which sounds silly, but their is a thing called the "Caleb Curse" Any person that's EVER moved in with Caleb gets ruined. Amanda. Elizabeth. Twigs. Matt. Britt. Casey. Ethan. Heather. They were all normal, wonderful people with a lot of friends until they lived with him. Now, no one can stand to be around any of them.
And when I move out, I want it to be AWAY from my family, not farther into the worse depths of them.
I love my grandparents, my uncle Mike, and my parents...and Molly. But thats where my love ends. The rest are a bunch of back stabbing corrupt drunken slobs who I can't stand to be around for any length of time.
I don't think I could do a year and a half (estimated moving in time) babysitting, cleaning, drama, drama, drama, complaining, yelling, fighting, vulgarness...I can't do that.
I've given my entire life up to Caleb. I raised Molly almost all on my own because of my brother. We never had friends because of him. Could never have sleepovers. Never went out and did anything. I've more then half raised all of his kids. I've sacrificed almost everything for him...almost my entire life has been living the remains of things he destroyed, or no longer wanted.
I'm 18, with no good childhood memories, and Andy being the only solid good thing thats ever happened to me.
I don't want to lose that. If I lost Andy, I wouldn't live a month. Through three years he's been everything to me. He's been the only person to really push me, to support me, to make me feel like a human, not like a tool. To make me believe I'm beautiful. To make me believe my books can go somewhere, and that they will. He SAVED my life that one day I planned to kill myself almost three years ago, when he send me self conclusion by Spill Canvas.
What if we fell into the Caleb curse.
...I feel so confused and at a loss.
Andy has to move out of his house soon. His moms is getting on his last nerve it seems, and he's wanted to move out for the last couple years.
...I made the bad idea to bring up possibly moving into Caleb's after Britt and Casey move out. I didn't realize until later how bad of a idea that was. It SEEMED like a good idea at the time.
Andy would only have to pay 300 dollars a month, instead of the 600 dollars if he went anywhere else. I could live with him considering I have to live there every other week anyway. It seemed like a great and fantastic idea.
But then, after mentioning it to him, him acting excited over it, and leaving. I really started thinking about it.
Andy's not use to the drama that surrounds my family. I'm afraid of the effect it will have on him. Not only that, but the lasting effect it will have on our relationship. I couldn't get a job, because one of the exceptions to the bill being so low is me babysitting, cleaning, and doing all the cooking plus other things. So I couldn't get a job, which means I could never get money to spend on myself, which I've never had the opportunity to do anyway, but I would like to.
Then there is all the girls that flock around there. They see a guy, a good guy like Andy, and they Immediately sink their talons in to them and do everything in their power to try to get them.
I'm not worried about Andy, I've seen girls hit on him, really, really beautiful girls, when he didn't know I was watching or listening. He either ignores them, shows them a picture of me, or in one case, almost punched the girl in the face (he was a bit tipsy). I don't worry about him, its just the girls.
Then there are all of Caleb's guy friends. Vulgar, immature, and did I mention VULGAR? They talk for hours about things they would like to do to girls...and thats all the detail I will go into.
Besides my father, Andy is the biggest gentleman, and one of the most polite people I know. I'm terrified of them corrupting him. Which sounds silly, but their is a thing called the "Caleb Curse" Any person that's EVER moved in with Caleb gets ruined. Amanda. Elizabeth. Twigs. Matt. Britt. Casey. Ethan. Heather. They were all normal, wonderful people with a lot of friends until they lived with him. Now, no one can stand to be around any of them.
And when I move out, I want it to be AWAY from my family, not farther into the worse depths of them.
I love my grandparents, my uncle Mike, and my parents...and Molly. But thats where my love ends. The rest are a bunch of back stabbing corrupt drunken slobs who I can't stand to be around for any length of time.
I don't think I could do a year and a half (estimated moving in time) babysitting, cleaning, drama, drama, drama, complaining, yelling, fighting, vulgarness...I can't do that.
I've given my entire life up to Caleb. I raised Molly almost all on my own because of my brother. We never had friends because of him. Could never have sleepovers. Never went out and did anything. I've more then half raised all of his kids. I've sacrificed almost everything for him...almost my entire life has been living the remains of things he destroyed, or no longer wanted.
I'm 18, with no good childhood memories, and Andy being the only solid good thing thats ever happened to me.
I don't want to lose that. If I lost Andy, I wouldn't live a month. Through three years he's been everything to me. He's been the only person to really push me, to support me, to make me feel like a human, not like a tool. To make me believe I'm beautiful. To make me believe my books can go somewhere, and that they will. He SAVED my life that one day I planned to kill myself almost three years ago, when he send me self conclusion by Spill Canvas.
What if we fell into the Caleb curse.
...I feel so confused and at a loss.
Not only from the prospect of moving into a house that I loath, but because how bad I've been longing to go to college lately. I listen to all my friends talk about it, and I smile and nod, smile and nod, mean while my brain is screaming.
I can't explain to them why I can't, they ask me and I give some terse, short reply that sounds like it should fit.
My mother home schooled us, until I was 11 it was great. I was WAY ahead of all the kids I knew. At 11 I was doing senior highschool Biology. I was doing College literature. And I was good at it. I loved it. I thrived in it.
Then I hit 12. Things with Caleb got much worse...and my mom just...stopped.
I struggled for the next two years to keep teaching myself, and teach Molly the things I already knew. But by the time I was fourteen, everything had stopped altogether. With no new books, no help, and a pissed off, growing rebellious twelve year old (Molly), I couldn't do it anymore.
Ever since I was little, I longed to go to public school. My stomach would twist in knots from my friends talking about things I never knew, things I wanted to know. I wanted it more then anything. Anytime I brought it up to my parents, they scared me out of it.
Told me horror stories of bullies, over crowded hallways where I would be smashed. How, in the teachers eyes, I was just another soup can waiting to be labeled and pushed out.
I always gave up the fight, terrified and comparing the idea of public school to the boogie man I was convinced lurked under my bed.
Now, at eighteen. I can barley do basic math. My parents stopped me from getting my GED until it was to late. And now, my only hope is this program I found where I can get a high school diploma, and maybe, one day, go to college like I've always wanted.
This blog is so.... unorganized and messy. But frankly, my brain is everywhere, and I can't focus on a damn thing. I'm so depressed, and so sad. I feel so lonely, hopeless, and above all, worthless.
Clutch
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
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I clutch my coat closer to me, glancing around I quicken my foot steps. Its not safe here.
I focus on the splash my boots make as they stomp through the puddles in the alley. I shouldn't have stayed out this late, its to dark, I don't have anything to ware them off.
I see the light of the street up ahead, a thin slit of street light. I smile warily, a few more yards...
And then I hear them.
It starts with clicking noises, the sound of nails against the cracked assfault. I try to remain calm as my heart hammers painfully hard against my chest.
I jump slightly as a shadow moves in front of me, darting from one wall of the alley to the other. I stop walking, glancing behind me, wondering if its to late to run back, but that's a mistake.
The glint of many eyes stare back at me, all reflective like a animals eyes when staring into a vehicles headlights. A wall of the blackest shadow I'd ever seen seems to connect them all. I cringe taking a step back as ones lips curl over blindingly white teeth. Pointed to fine tips.
In a split decision I turn and run for the street a few yards away. For a moment I'm lulled into false comfort, my hand is inches from being submerged in dingy lamp light.
I cry out and fall as a sharp pain digs into the back of my leg. I spin on my back kicking out furiously. I hear a crack, a snarl lets loose in the alley and I can feel the chill running rapidly up my spine, I could hear hundreds of years of agony and sorrow in its voice.
I try to hurl my self the few feet into the street ahead of me, but jaws clamp down on my arm and begin to drag me back into the alley. Suddenly I can see nothing but their eyes, gleaming down at me, merciless and hungry.
I scream, but the darkness muffles it, and I know no one can hear me. I thrash madly, trying to shake them off, I can feel their teeth tearing at my clothes, I know if I don't get away now, I never will.
I cry out at the pain spreading all over my body, I feel nauseous from the sound of them slowly devouring me; my tearing flesh, ripping of material. I know I'm slipping away, I try one last attempt to push away, a shadowed face appears over my head, staring down at me so fiercely I stop trying to move.
As we stare at each other, I can feel it moving through my mind, I don't try to fight it, the deeper it goes, the less pain I feel. But in turn for losing my physical pain, I feel its agony. Its sorrow bleeds through me. The deeper into my eyes it stares, the more I welcome what I know is to come.
Its jaw's open wide, I know whats about to happen, but I don't close my eyes.
My hands tangle into the shadow as it descends onto my throat.
I focus on the splash my boots make as they stomp through the puddles in the alley. I shouldn't have stayed out this late, its to dark, I don't have anything to ware them off.
I see the light of the street up ahead, a thin slit of street light. I smile warily, a few more yards...
And then I hear them.
It starts with clicking noises, the sound of nails against the cracked assfault. I try to remain calm as my heart hammers painfully hard against my chest.
I jump slightly as a shadow moves in front of me, darting from one wall of the alley to the other. I stop walking, glancing behind me, wondering if its to late to run back, but that's a mistake.
The glint of many eyes stare back at me, all reflective like a animals eyes when staring into a vehicles headlights. A wall of the blackest shadow I'd ever seen seems to connect them all. I cringe taking a step back as ones lips curl over blindingly white teeth. Pointed to fine tips.
In a split decision I turn and run for the street a few yards away. For a moment I'm lulled into false comfort, my hand is inches from being submerged in dingy lamp light.
I cry out and fall as a sharp pain digs into the back of my leg. I spin on my back kicking out furiously. I hear a crack, a snarl lets loose in the alley and I can feel the chill running rapidly up my spine, I could hear hundreds of years of agony and sorrow in its voice.
I try to hurl my self the few feet into the street ahead of me, but jaws clamp down on my arm and begin to drag me back into the alley. Suddenly I can see nothing but their eyes, gleaming down at me, merciless and hungry.
I scream, but the darkness muffles it, and I know no one can hear me. I thrash madly, trying to shake them off, I can feel their teeth tearing at my clothes, I know if I don't get away now, I never will.
I cry out at the pain spreading all over my body, I feel nauseous from the sound of them slowly devouring me; my tearing flesh, ripping of material. I know I'm slipping away, I try one last attempt to push away, a shadowed face appears over my head, staring down at me so fiercely I stop trying to move.
As we stare at each other, I can feel it moving through my mind, I don't try to fight it, the deeper it goes, the less pain I feel. But in turn for losing my physical pain, I feel its agony. Its sorrow bleeds through me. The deeper into my eyes it stares, the more I welcome what I know is to come.
Its jaw's open wide, I know whats about to happen, but I don't close my eyes.
My hands tangle into the shadow as it descends onto my throat.
Damn space bar.
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1 comments
I'm on the desktop, and this confounded space bar sticks, and its maddening...but anyway.
I'm depressed. I've been wanting to shout it from every online account I have, but I grew out of that when I was 15, so I come here.
These blogs have become a sort of Haven lately. My mind is in more turmoil then its been in months. For the first time in ages,I scratched another tally mark into my bedroom wall.
It all started when I realized how much I'm alone...Molly goes out with friends constantly, but my small fragile circle has broken up, and I've never been good at making new friends...really, I've always made friends through friends I already had...and now that there are none...there are no new friends to meet.
I'm depressed. I've been wanting to shout it from every online account I have, but I grew out of that when I was 15, so I come here.
These blogs have become a sort of Haven lately. My mind is in more turmoil then its been in months. For the first time in ages,I scratched another tally mark into my bedroom wall.
It all started when I realized how much I'm alone...Molly goes out with friends constantly, but my small fragile circle has broken up, and I've never been good at making new friends...really, I've always made friends through friends I already had...and now that there are none...there are no new friends to meet.
Half of my friends went to college, and all but two (Alison and Spencer, Spence being my friend for almost 13 years) have just told me...I'm not a college kid, so I'm a loser, and ceased talking to me altogether.
The rest just...found different friends. I'm left with Steph, who has been my best friends for almost seven years, but now she is always with Christina, and honestly, has been downing me in front of people lately. I don't really blame her...right now, Christina can just give her something that I can't. I'm just happy that she has someone she can go to, even if that someone isn't me. God knows how much I hate constantly turning to this screen instead of a actual face to vent.
But such is life.
I wonder, what have I done to truely offend this many people? Elizabeth....Brent....Christina....Joey....etc. Am I such a horrible person, and I just don't realize it? I keep probing myself, hoping to figure it out. But I can't.
I just miss going out with friends and doing nothing, but having so much fun doing it.
The rest just...found different friends. I'm left with Steph, who has been my best friends for almost seven years, but now she is always with Christina, and honestly, has been downing me in front of people lately. I don't really blame her...right now, Christina can just give her something that I can't. I'm just happy that she has someone she can go to, even if that someone isn't me. God knows how much I hate constantly turning to this screen instead of a actual face to vent.
But such is life.
I wonder, what have I done to truely offend this many people? Elizabeth....Brent....Christina....Joey....etc. Am I such a horrible person, and I just don't realize it? I keep probing myself, hoping to figure it out. But I can't.
I just miss going out with friends and doing nothing, but having so much fun doing it.
If Screaming Could Break The Way I Feel
Thursday, September 9, 2010
| | | 0 commentsThe above title just popped into my head a few moments ago.
I'm getting ready, for fifth time this week, to clean Caleb's kitchen top to bottom. I'm beyond irritated, and heading into madness, in both sense of going insane, and just being explainabley angry.
My dad lectures me every time I don't do laundry, don't clean up, don't make home cooked meals, etc, etc.
But how can I explain to him properly the resentment I feel? Its not my kids I'm wasting my life on, its not my laundry I'm doing, its not my food I'm cooking, and its not the chopped up slobbered remenants from my mouth I am later scrubbing off the plates. Its not my house I'm living in, I have no say in the decorations, I have no room here. I sleep on the floor, or if I'm lucky, the couch.
...I ENJOY cleaning. I wouldn't mind once o ever cleaning, cooking, or raising a child...if it were mine. And that sounds horrible. But I've been living the torn and tattered left overs of other peoples lives since I was six, and I'm so sick of it I can practically taste the bile at the back of my throat.
Sorry if this seems abnormally cruel for me, but I'm writing whats in my head, so it can't be helped.
I would enjoy being a house wife (to a extent, I don't want to turn into one of those Toading women who are controlled by there husband just because they feel entitled because they get paied for what they do, and housewives don't...but I can't really see Andy doing that...I mean, part of me can, but the greater part doesn't) Taking care of my kids, cleaning, cooking, setting up arts and crafts, making a nice and comfortable home for Andy. Writing when I had the chance, get a book published. I would love it all.
This is nothing like that. This is like a prison with white hot iron bars.
My day; I get up, Moe and me get Gage ready for the buss, I clean the kitchen, make breakfast, clean up from Breakfast, pick up toys, do minor housework until Gage gets home. Stick in a movie, make lunch, clean up after lunch, cram my own lunch, scrub down all the counters, pick up everything on the floor, do laundry usually, spend time with kids, listen to Molly talk about how much she hates her life, get stuff ready for dinner, talk to Cabe a bit when he gets home, make dinner, eat dinner, clean up after dinner...now to mention many diper changes in between, change out fits, break up fights, time outs, etc. . . every day, ever other week.
It doesn't make it any better then I've been sick since the night before last, and I can't go home.
~Andy~
I miss Andy.
I miss him really bad. Its been almost three years. Three years of him riding back and forth to see me almost every weekend. Almost three years of him putting up with my families infuriating attitudes and lies. Almost three years of me putting up with his Mom's border line verbal abusiveness, and for the first year, trying to break us up...I still can't believe that phone call she had with my mom...though, now that shes started dating Scott, shes actually really pleasant to talk to now.
I'm having a hard time sleeping with out him anymore. Which is funny, because for a while it took me a while to get use to it, and I use to feel like he was strangling me, but now...I miss when I roll over and no one rolls after me like he does...if he had it his way he would roll me right off the bed XD he misses me ever in his sleep, haha.
I miss not being able to run my hands through his hair when I wake up from a bad dream to comfort myself.
I've been having a horrible time not sleeping lately, I thought it was just my normal pattern every year...but last note I woke up, and I swear to Bob, my chest ACHED...I almost started crying, I just wanted to lean back and feel him against me, hold his arms wrapped around me. And I couldn't, and I was so sad...I couldn't fall back asleep after that for at least a couple hours.
I wish I could see him tomorrow night, I need him really bad right now, I feel so empty this week without him. I think its because how we've been lately. I don't know if he notices it, but I do.
I can actually get ANGRY at him now. Instead of just being quiet and brudeing. I'm so comfortable around him...I can't explain it. I've never been that comfortable around anyone, even myself.
Blah. I'm being all mooshy...*sigh* Well, the dishes aren't going to do them selves...
"I wish I was a butterfly, I'd fly and fly, until it was my time to die."
Thursday, September 2, 2010
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Lyrics taken from Tapping the Vein's song Butterfly.
Even though the lyrics are some what cheesy, my two songs of the day are that and "Beautiful" by the same band.
It is that time of year, Blueberry festival. Last year I missed it, I had a mixture of strep and upper respiratory infection. I'm looking forward to this year immensely, but at the same time, as always when there is a large gathering of people I know, something is pestering me.
Molly. Not her herself, but the way she looks. Its hard, to have two almost flawless siblings, and then be me.
Over weight, and no boobs...hurray for the ugly duckling!
Everyone is constantly looking at her, admiring her, she giggles, bats her lashes, and I have to sit there, introducing myself to the same person for the third time because they don't remember me.
Even though the lyrics are some what cheesy, my two songs of the day are that and "Beautiful" by the same band.
It is that time of year, Blueberry festival. Last year I missed it, I had a mixture of strep and upper respiratory infection. I'm looking forward to this year immensely, but at the same time, as always when there is a large gathering of people I know, something is pestering me.
Molly. Not her herself, but the way she looks. Its hard, to have two almost flawless siblings, and then be me.
Over weight, and no boobs...hurray for the ugly duckling!
Everyone is constantly looking at her, admiring her, she giggles, bats her lashes, and I have to sit there, introducing myself to the same person for the third time because they don't remember me.
-_-; like now, she comes in, perfect hair, perfect makeup, beautiful skinny outfit, and asks me how she looks. Me, having to smile, tell her how beautiful she looks, just for her to sight dramatically and go "Its not good enough" and flounces off.
....*growls into pillow*
Anyway. I don't know, I'll get over it like I do every time. Its just frustrating. On the up side, my appetite is decreasing to almost zilch.
Le sigh...shes back. Complaining about her hair. Good Lord. . . Maybe if I took more effort in my appearance? I usually just through on some eyeshadow, black and blue lipstick, rack a comb through my hair, and I'm done in under five minutes. >>
ANYWAY! On to better things.
Its been ages since I've written on here, and I'm appalled at how bad my spelling was. Stephanie is turning my OCD about that sort of thing. My grammar still needs some massive re doing though.
So, what will most likely happen for BB-fest. I'll be listening to my headphones, watching Molly tittering and giggling. Guys drooling over her. I'll probably be blown off my Stephanie as per usual lately.
Really, my plans are to just kidnap Alison and Steph Dembinski one day.
Ugh, this blog is turning into a mess, I can't focus on anything. Two hours of sleep last night, one the night before. My mind is moosh.
To anyone who may fall upon this, I say, please ignore my previous blog entries. I was suffering from a period of retardedness. . .my apologies.
Well, I'm off to pack.
....*growls into pillow*
Anyway. I don't know, I'll get over it like I do every time. Its just frustrating. On the up side, my appetite is decreasing to almost zilch.
Le sigh...shes back. Complaining about her hair. Good Lord. . . Maybe if I took more effort in my appearance? I usually just through on some eyeshadow, black and blue lipstick, rack a comb through my hair, and I'm done in under five minutes. >>
ANYWAY! On to better things.
Its been ages since I've written on here, and I'm appalled at how bad my spelling was. Stephanie is turning my OCD about that sort of thing. My grammar still needs some massive re doing though.
So, what will most likely happen for BB-fest. I'll be listening to my headphones, watching Molly tittering and giggling. Guys drooling over her. I'll probably be blown off my Stephanie as per usual lately.
Really, my plans are to just kidnap Alison and Steph Dembinski one day.
Ugh, this blog is turning into a mess, I can't focus on anything. Two hours of sleep last night, one the night before. My mind is moosh.
To anyone who may fall upon this, I say, please ignore my previous blog entries. I was suffering from a period of retardedness. . .my apologies.
Well, I'm off to pack.
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