So this is the second time I've posted this song in this blog, but its been on my mind a lot lately.
Andy has to move out of his house soon. His moms is getting on his last nerve it seems, and he's wanted to move out for the last couple years.
...I made the bad idea to bring up possibly moving into Caleb's after Britt and Casey move out. I didn't realize until later how bad of a idea that was. It SEEMED like a good idea at the time.
Andy would only have to pay 300 dollars a month, instead of the 600 dollars if he went anywhere else. I could live with him considering I have to live there every other week anyway. It seemed like a great and fantastic idea.
But then, after mentioning it to him, him acting excited over it, and leaving. I really started thinking about it.
Andy's not use to the drama that surrounds my family. I'm afraid of the effect it will have on him. Not only that, but the lasting effect it will have on our relationship. I couldn't get a job, because one of the exceptions to the bill being so low is me babysitting, cleaning, and doing all the cooking plus other things. So I couldn't get a job, which means I could never get money to spend on myself, which I've never had the opportunity to do anyway, but I would like to.
Then there is all the girls that flock around there. They see a guy, a good guy like Andy, and they Immediately sink their talons in to them and do everything in their power to try to get them.
I'm not worried about Andy, I've seen girls hit on him, really, really beautiful girls, when he didn't know I was watching or listening. He either ignores them, shows them a picture of me, or in one case, almost punched the girl in the face (he was a bit tipsy). I don't worry about him, its just the girls.
Then there are all of Caleb's guy friends. Vulgar, immature, and did I mention VULGAR? They talk for hours about things they would like to do to girls...and thats all the detail I will go into.
Besides my father, Andy is the biggest gentleman, and one of the most polite people I know. I'm terrified of them corrupting him. Which sounds silly, but their is a thing called the "Caleb Curse" Any person that's EVER moved in with Caleb gets ruined. Amanda. Elizabeth. Twigs. Matt. Britt. Casey. Ethan. Heather. They were all normal, wonderful people with a lot of friends until they lived with him. Now, no one can stand to be around any of them.
And when I move out, I want it to be AWAY from my family, not farther into the worse depths of them.
I love my grandparents, my uncle Mike, and my parents...and Molly. But thats where my love ends. The rest are a bunch of back stabbing corrupt drunken slobs who I can't stand to be around for any length of time.
I don't think I could do a year and a half (estimated moving in time) babysitting, cleaning, drama, drama, drama, complaining, yelling, fighting, vulgarness...I can't do that.
I've given my entire life up to Caleb. I raised Molly almost all on my own because of my brother. We never had friends because of him. Could never have sleepovers. Never went out and did anything. I've more then half raised all of his kids. I've sacrificed almost everything for him...almost my entire life has been living the remains of things he destroyed, or no longer wanted.
I'm 18, with no good childhood memories, and Andy being the only solid good thing thats ever happened to me.
I don't want to lose that. If I lost Andy, I wouldn't live a month. Through three years he's been everything to me. He's been the only person to really push me, to support me, to make me feel like a human, not like a tool. To make me believe I'm beautiful. To make me believe my books can go somewhere, and that they will. He SAVED my life that one day I planned to kill myself almost three years ago, when he send me self conclusion by Spill Canvas.
What if we fell into the Caleb curse.
...I feel so confused and at a loss.
Andy has to move out of his house soon. His moms is getting on his last nerve it seems, and he's wanted to move out for the last couple years.
...I made the bad idea to bring up possibly moving into Caleb's after Britt and Casey move out. I didn't realize until later how bad of a idea that was. It SEEMED like a good idea at the time.
Andy would only have to pay 300 dollars a month, instead of the 600 dollars if he went anywhere else. I could live with him considering I have to live there every other week anyway. It seemed like a great and fantastic idea.
But then, after mentioning it to him, him acting excited over it, and leaving. I really started thinking about it.
Andy's not use to the drama that surrounds my family. I'm afraid of the effect it will have on him. Not only that, but the lasting effect it will have on our relationship. I couldn't get a job, because one of the exceptions to the bill being so low is me babysitting, cleaning, and doing all the cooking plus other things. So I couldn't get a job, which means I could never get money to spend on myself, which I've never had the opportunity to do anyway, but I would like to.
Then there is all the girls that flock around there. They see a guy, a good guy like Andy, and they Immediately sink their talons in to them and do everything in their power to try to get them.
I'm not worried about Andy, I've seen girls hit on him, really, really beautiful girls, when he didn't know I was watching or listening. He either ignores them, shows them a picture of me, or in one case, almost punched the girl in the face (he was a bit tipsy). I don't worry about him, its just the girls.
Then there are all of Caleb's guy friends. Vulgar, immature, and did I mention VULGAR? They talk for hours about things they would like to do to girls...and thats all the detail I will go into.
Besides my father, Andy is the biggest gentleman, and one of the most polite people I know. I'm terrified of them corrupting him. Which sounds silly, but their is a thing called the "Caleb Curse" Any person that's EVER moved in with Caleb gets ruined. Amanda. Elizabeth. Twigs. Matt. Britt. Casey. Ethan. Heather. They were all normal, wonderful people with a lot of friends until they lived with him. Now, no one can stand to be around any of them.
And when I move out, I want it to be AWAY from my family, not farther into the worse depths of them.
I love my grandparents, my uncle Mike, and my parents...and Molly. But thats where my love ends. The rest are a bunch of back stabbing corrupt drunken slobs who I can't stand to be around for any length of time.
I don't think I could do a year and a half (estimated moving in time) babysitting, cleaning, drama, drama, drama, complaining, yelling, fighting, vulgarness...I can't do that.
I've given my entire life up to Caleb. I raised Molly almost all on my own because of my brother. We never had friends because of him. Could never have sleepovers. Never went out and did anything. I've more then half raised all of his kids. I've sacrificed almost everything for him...almost my entire life has been living the remains of things he destroyed, or no longer wanted.
I'm 18, with no good childhood memories, and Andy being the only solid good thing thats ever happened to me.
I don't want to lose that. If I lost Andy, I wouldn't live a month. Through three years he's been everything to me. He's been the only person to really push me, to support me, to make me feel like a human, not like a tool. To make me believe I'm beautiful. To make me believe my books can go somewhere, and that they will. He SAVED my life that one day I planned to kill myself almost three years ago, when he send me self conclusion by Spill Canvas.
What if we fell into the Caleb curse.
...I feel so confused and at a loss.
Not only from the prospect of moving into a house that I loath, but because how bad I've been longing to go to college lately. I listen to all my friends talk about it, and I smile and nod, smile and nod, mean while my brain is screaming.
I can't explain to them why I can't, they ask me and I give some terse, short reply that sounds like it should fit.
My mother home schooled us, until I was 11 it was great. I was WAY ahead of all the kids I knew. At 11 I was doing senior highschool Biology. I was doing College literature. And I was good at it. I loved it. I thrived in it.
Then I hit 12. Things with Caleb got much worse...and my mom just...stopped.
I struggled for the next two years to keep teaching myself, and teach Molly the things I already knew. But by the time I was fourteen, everything had stopped altogether. With no new books, no help, and a pissed off, growing rebellious twelve year old (Molly), I couldn't do it anymore.
Ever since I was little, I longed to go to public school. My stomach would twist in knots from my friends talking about things I never knew, things I wanted to know. I wanted it more then anything. Anytime I brought it up to my parents, they scared me out of it.
Told me horror stories of bullies, over crowded hallways where I would be smashed. How, in the teachers eyes, I was just another soup can waiting to be labeled and pushed out.
I always gave up the fight, terrified and comparing the idea of public school to the boogie man I was convinced lurked under my bed.
Now, at eighteen. I can barley do basic math. My parents stopped me from getting my GED until it was to late. And now, my only hope is this program I found where I can get a high school diploma, and maybe, one day, go to college like I've always wanted.
This blog is so.... unorganized and messy. But frankly, my brain is everywhere, and I can't focus on a damn thing. I'm so depressed, and so sad. I feel so lonely, hopeless, and above all, worthless.
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