Wanting What You Can't Have

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

I wonder what it is about humans that always make us want what we can't have...
I've been dating my boyfriend for almost two years, hes everything I ever dreamed of, plus somethings I didn't. He lives forty five minutes away from me, which can be difficult sometimes...with things with his mom, and things with my family it just adds to the stress I suppose. . .as I wrote before this blog is my deepest wants and wishes even if they are dreadfully unreasonable.
I know lately I have wanted something I use to fear very badly...I think of me and Andy being engaged somewhere, in a city, going to college...I picture it so clearly it almost stings. What it would be like to come home to each other, fight through finical battles together, cheer over small pleasures, accomplishes...feel his skin against mine every night, be their for him when hes sick, go through the stress of jobs, college finals and tests...I even look forward in a way to fights I know are unavoidable of two people living together, I look forward to the makeup, to sitting with him in some dingy apartment living room eating crappy pizza and watching some movie...
I also know that is the only situation that I would be able to breath in, in my family life, its ridiculously hard for me to muddle through a single day, and I hate that that is the only way he sees me most of the time. More then half of our relationship if over the phone or computer...
I know that none of this could happen for at least a couple years, but this is what this blog is about, my wishful thinking...here I can indulge it, let every thing slip away and just let my dreams surface...call me a wishful thinker, I'll take it as a compliment.

...I wonder what it would be like to walk through those city streets, would I be afraid?...would I miss my family and their struggles?...would I still have this echoing painful depression?...how would my mind open up?...how would it close off?

If I killed myself, it would be to this song, without a doubt.



Basically this is a blog I'm gonna write on what I really want more then anything, small things, big things, w/e. Just stuff I won't tell anyone else because somehow, it always starts shit. So this is my shit free blog. Lol.