Tuesday, September 29, 2009

My two biggest fears have always been the same....Losing the ones closest to me, ie. Andy, Monkey, Molly, Dad, Mom, Uncle Mike, Granddy & Poppy, Caleb and the kids, and Brent....My second biggest fear, only ever told to Elizabeth in till now, is being that stupid girl who finely gave in, trusted, loved with everything she had, and then is left in the dirt looking the perfect fool.

That comes in later. It is of importance.

Not to long ago I talked to Andy about engagement, marriage, the big sha-bang of it all. I found it peaceful as it was equally disappointing...which I a sure you isn't a easy feat, to feel both of those emotions at the same time.
I'm not sure what I was expecting...but idk. He basically told me he doesn't want to get married in till he is out of college, and has the money, so that is any where from minimum four years, maximum six years, maybe even more...which means we wouldn't even be engaged in till a year before hand, because for some reason he thinks when you get engaged that you HAVE to get married a year later. . .
This doesn't really bother me to much, I can wait as long as he can...but the engagement thing does. He is moving out next year, or the following year, and I'm dying to move in with him, but there is part of it he doesn't get, even if he says he does...my family would quite litterley disown me if I moved in with someone without getting married. I'm not asking him to marry me, but I could at least tell them I was engaged....at least then they would treat me half way decent. Though I know I'm still gonna get back talked, gossiped over, and other wise given the silent angry treatment, but oh well. But I know he won't...So...can I honestly move in with him?
And its not just my family...its respect, respect he has for me. If I'm good enough to live with, share bills with, share a BED with...all of those things plus some...then how am I not good enough to at least have a promise like "You are worth more to me then just a girlfriend"....

Idk, that's a background problem I guess. Either I don't move in with him and be miserable and possibly hurt our relationship....or I do and I will feel like I'm worth nothing and be silently miserable anyway, and my family will hate me.

What my BIGGEST worry is right now is after he is done with college. We talked about it, I know he wants to move right after he is done....but here's the thing. I can't. He wants me too, but I want to finish college here. And I'm not budging off of it. But at the same time, how CAN'T I? I mean...gah, I love him so much it almost physically hurts sometimes. I STILL can't sleep the night before I'm suppose to see him, and its been almost two years, I still smile every time he looks at me, I still get butterflies every time he kisses me, and I still feel a rush of relief every time his arms wrap around me....I'll only be 21 when he finishes....Idk...
I want to move, deff, I hate this town, and really most of the surrounding towns, the only one I like is Culver. I just don't want to move when I'm not out of college, its gonna be hard for me, I need my family, my dysfunctional family, to help me through it...but I also need HIM, God do I need that boy...hes my night light in a world of unrelenting nightmares...
He says he'll stay, that he won't leave me...but I know he will...he hates Indiana, I know he wants to get away from his mom, and I love Andy, but he won't be happy working out of his house/apartment around here, he is very money oriented weather he realizes it or not...he won't make zilch doing that...he wants to excel in his job, make lots of mula, run a group of people, etc...he might stick around for a year, but really thats all I can see him doing it, and I know he'll be miserable the entire time...so how could I ask him to stay anyway?
...little ole me is not enough to make him stick around...I just wish I was.
I keep thinking, yeah we could see each other on web cam, but how long before he doesn't want to do that anymore? Yeah he'll call but how many years till that slows, then stops? . . . and how many before finds someone who could actually BE there for him? By the time he graduates I'll have...anywhere from 3 to 5 years left. Probably 4. But idk.
...If I lost Andy, I'd lose myself, there would be no reason for me to do anything...so...idk. These are all just speculations...but at the same time they feel so real, and frighteningly close...
Idk...I just wish I could have some reassurance.

I'm afraid of losing this...



Lil blinky wolf puppy



Eating the eyebrow

He loves me ^^


Goof balls are we.

My Puppy

Writing Room.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

When stressed I find myself escapeing to the same place latly.
A room, with hardwood floors that creak, high ceilings, long tall skinny windows with light that floods in just at the right time of day. . .
Practically empty except for large desk against one wall stacked with books and loose papers, which also have a tendency to spill out onto the surrounding floor...a few mismatched cheap looking book shelfs over flowing with odd assortments of novels.
My trinkets and random creative whims hanging from the tall ceilings, I have one of those old utality latters you see in stores a lot to reach them you see...clear strong strings with arts and crafts mirrors glued to them, catching the light and bouncing it off the walls in a rainbow of colors, dancing across the surface of everything they touch like some forgotten fairy tail creature.
I have my one corner with a easil and a small end table stacked with paints and paint brushs, unfortunetly the floor on that side didn't escape my random excited flair, paint splatters cover it making that corner stick out.
There is always music playing, everytime I open the door it poors out and hits me like a comforting wave, wrapping around me and submerging me in my world of writing.

This room is the room I've dreamt of and wanted since I was little, my writing room I long to have....I've just been thinking of it a lot, never wanted to tell anyone of it, so here it is.