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Wednesday, October 27, 2010

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Just as a warning, there will be a lot of cussing and written screaming in this entry.
I've tried to calm myself down enough that it wouldn't be necessary, but its not working.
This whole moving out thing is becoming a giant mess. I honestly don't even know where to start on this.
I mentioned to Andy a few weeks ago about moving into Caleb's. Caleb had mentioned it to me multiple times since he had moved in, and when I brought it up again later, he loved the idea.
Andy got a bit excited about it, and then I started to too. This would fix all my moving anxieties.
I would be living with someone I knew. Walking distance of multiple places. Rent would be low cost. I'd be close to my parents, and more importantly, Molly.
The once again, when I counted on Caleb for something, I ended up getting hurt.
First it was we could move in whenever. Then it was Jan. Then Feb. Then maybe even as soon as Nov. Now its back to Feb.
On top of that, Britt is upping his rent, and paying for groceries. Casey is also going to be paying him. So now he'll be getting 600 a month, if not more, plus groceries.
He won't kick them out. At least a very highly, highly doubt it.
Then whats the alternative?
Moving in to a apartment with him in Mishawaka.
Good side? I'd be with Andy alone. I'd be farther away from drama. Andy would probably be happier.

Bad side? I'd have no car, which means no independence, which means I'd be depending souly on Andy. I'd never get to see my family, and more importantly, I'd never get to see Molly.

I know he thinks that is such a good thing, but I don't. I don't expect him to understand it.
I love Andy, I say this in every blog. He's everything I could ever possibly want in a guy. He's caring. Loving. Intelligent. Makes me laugh. Makes me feel safe. Good natured (most of the time). Sweet....I could go on and on. We all know I could.
But he always think he's right, about everything, and there is no wiggle room for argument. He'll deny that, but its true.
Regardless of what he says, he's not really close to his family. Yeah, they see each other on Holidays, maybe sometimes in between. They get each other Birthday cards...maybe talk on the phone.
But thats not like MY family. I see my parents almost every day. I spend hours and hours with Molly just talking. I see my grandparents all the time, my grandma calls to talk to me on the phone at the very least once a week. We help each other with yard work. We help each other out financially.
Yeah, my family isn't perfect, but who's isn't?
When I tell him that, he gets nasty about it. Attacks how my parents are horrible parents. How my brother manipulates. How Molly is getting horrible. He doesn't think I don't know that?
I never attack his family. I never attack how his mom is pycho. I never attack how his dad is a horrible dad. Never. And I will never do that. Because there his fucking parents. His fucking family.
I can't make him understand my point of view.

Then there is the dependability issue.
Andy has been developing a controlling nature that kind of has me on edge, I don't know where its coming from. I've never seen it until this year. I'm not even the only one who notices it anymore.
I know he would never ever do anything to hurt me on purpose. But if we move to Mishawaka, what does he lose?...nothing. He'll be around where his friends are. Collin, and on college breaks, Gavin, George, Ryan, etc.
He'll be around his mom. He'll be in a famillier area he grew up in. He has a car. A job.
If I move? I lose almost everything. I'll have the most important thing, him. But I'll lose my friends, my family, my sister, my comfort. I'll be souly depending on him to get around. That scares me. I've always been a interdependent person. Since I was little.

But how can I tell him no if he asks me? How can I turn down a life with him, what I've wanted since a couple weeks after dating him. That I've dreamed about. Strived for...
It doesn't help that last night Molly comes down stairs balling, crawls onto my lap, and won't stop for almost a hour. When I finally got her to calm down, she started sobbing again saying how she doesn't want me to leave her. How she's not ready to live so far away from me yet. How I'm her only parental support. How I'm her best friend. She starts apologizing over and over and over for being snappy with me. For ignoring me. For dissing me. And right now?...She's down stairs doing a huge list of chores I asked her to do. She didn't bicker...didn't argue. And she won't stop hugging me.
So now I feel like utter shit.
Then mom calls. Molly gets on the phone with mom, Molly starts sniffling, mom catches on, Molly tells her why shes crying, mom gets on the phone with me, sounds like SHE is going to start crying, and starts spitting out alternatives left and right.
JESUS!
How the fucking hell am I suppose to fucking do this shit!
I don't know how I managed to talk to them both with a straight face, I really don't.
Then when I get off the phone, Molly comes over and hugs me (Maria still being asleep), and goes "You can do this Kate. You can handle anything, your the strongest person I know." And thats a quote.
I hugged her, nodded, then went to the bathroom to start cleaning. Mean while, I can't even hear my maxed out headphones because my head is screaming so loud.
Thats when I caved and came up here to write this, I have to get this out.
Is Andy really the only one that see's the weeping coward I really am? Why does everyone but him think I'm so strong? I'm not! I'm not anything...
No matter what I do, I'm going to be hurting someone.
Either my family. Myself. Or Andy.
I can deal with hurting myself, its a small sacrifice. But how am I suppose to pick between them?
The worst of all, not one of them is supporting me.
Andy's pushing me, and just insults my family like he can make me hate them more, which just makes me more defensive and angry at him. My family just tells me how I'm not ready to leave yet, how they need me, start's crying, or tell's me its not morally right.
I have never felt so torn in my life. Ever. I can't sleep, my eyes are blood shot from the lack of it. I can't eat without feeling like I'm going to puke. I have to keep taking walks outside to my room so I can cry and get it over with before anyones see's.
I just want some fucking support, a little bit of help, from someone. I can't keep fucking doing this on my own.
And thats what it is, I'm doing this alone.
I don't know what I'm going to do...I really don't.
I want to talk to someone, and I can't. I have a half hour to talk to Andy at night, thats it. And I don't trust anyone else to talk about this.

...hell...
How am I suppose to pull it together? Tomorrow Mom comes home. Clean all day today. Friday is Monkey's huge party. Saturday me and Andy are doing something for are anniversary (I think) and that night is also trick or treat, Sunday is Halloween.
...I don't even want to do trick of treat anymore...I don't even want to watch horror movies...I just want to go in the woods and lie down, dream about werewolves like I use to when I was little and things got to be to much. I want to believe they'll come and take me away like I use to. I want to believe it won't always be like this. I won't always be fighting with people, doing things by myself.

2 comments:

youdontknowmeatall said...

Inner strength isn't about avoiding hurting people. It's being able to acknowledge that you hurt people. You don't mean to, but no matter what you do, you're always going to hurt SOMEone. That's just how it goes. Everyone has conflicting interests.

I know I'm not very helpful, because I've never been in your situation and I'm very conservative. I don't feel right judging Andy, because I've only met him the once very briefly. So other than that, I just have to go by what you've said. But for me, someone controlling me will not gel. That was one of the reasons I was eager to break it off with my ex.

I'm sorry beyond belief that you're so upset right now, Chibi. I wish I could just whisk you away to here for a day or two so that you could relax and have someone objective to talk to. I wish I could make your heart stop hurting.

But you really are a strong person, Kate. People say that I'm strong, too, and I never believe them either. But I think it takes a lot of strength to be able to acknowledge that you hurt people sometimes or that you have needs, too. Weakness, to me, is in part the inability to acknowledge what needs to be acknowledged.

-hugs- I love you, Chibi. I wish I could help.

Kitsa said...

*hugs* If you need me, I'm here. Dunno what else to say.

P.S. Made my blog permissions only. Sent you an invite to your yahoo.

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