The above title just popped into my head a few moments ago.
I'm getting ready, for fifth time this week, to clean Caleb's kitchen top to bottom. I'm beyond irritated, and heading into madness, in both sense of going insane, and just being explainabley angry.
My dad lectures me every time I don't do laundry, don't clean up, don't make home cooked meals, etc, etc.
But how can I explain to him properly the resentment I feel? Its not my kids I'm wasting my life on, its not my laundry I'm doing, its not my food I'm cooking, and its not the chopped up slobbered remenants from my mouth I am later scrubbing off the plates. Its not my house I'm living in, I have no say in the decorations, I have no room here. I sleep on the floor, or if I'm lucky, the couch.
...I ENJOY cleaning. I wouldn't mind once o ever cleaning, cooking, or raising a child...if it were mine. And that sounds horrible. But I've been living the torn and tattered left overs of other peoples lives since I was six, and I'm so sick of it I can practically taste the bile at the back of my throat.
Sorry if this seems abnormally cruel for me, but I'm writing whats in my head, so it can't be helped.
I would enjoy being a house wife (to a extent, I don't want to turn into one of those Toading women who are controlled by there husband just because they feel entitled because they get paied for what they do, and housewives don't...but I can't really see Andy doing that...I mean, part of me can, but the greater part doesn't) Taking care of my kids, cleaning, cooking, setting up arts and crafts, making a nice and comfortable home for Andy. Writing when I had the chance, get a book published. I would love it all.
This is nothing like that. This is like a prison with white hot iron bars.
My day; I get up, Moe and me get Gage ready for the buss, I clean the kitchen, make breakfast, clean up from Breakfast, pick up toys, do minor housework until Gage gets home. Stick in a movie, make lunch, clean up after lunch, cram my own lunch, scrub down all the counters, pick up everything on the floor, do laundry usually, spend time with kids, listen to Molly talk about how much she hates her life, get stuff ready for dinner, talk to Cabe a bit when he gets home, make dinner, eat dinner, clean up after dinner...now to mention many diper changes in between, change out fits, break up fights, time outs, etc. . . every day, ever other week.
It doesn't make it any better then I've been sick since the night before last, and I can't go home.
~Andy~
I miss Andy.
I miss him really bad. Its been almost three years. Three years of him riding back and forth to see me almost every weekend. Almost three years of him putting up with my families infuriating attitudes and lies. Almost three years of me putting up with his Mom's border line verbal abusiveness, and for the first year, trying to break us up...I still can't believe that phone call she had with my mom...though, now that shes started dating Scott, shes actually really pleasant to talk to now.
I'm having a hard time sleeping with out him anymore. Which is funny, because for a while it took me a while to get use to it, and I use to feel like he was strangling me, but now...I miss when I roll over and no one rolls after me like he does...if he had it his way he would roll me right off the bed XD he misses me ever in his sleep, haha.
I miss not being able to run my hands through his hair when I wake up from a bad dream to comfort myself.
I've been having a horrible time not sleeping lately, I thought it was just my normal pattern every year...but last note I woke up, and I swear to Bob, my chest ACHED...I almost started crying, I just wanted to lean back and feel him against me, hold his arms wrapped around me. And I couldn't, and I was so sad...I couldn't fall back asleep after that for at least a couple hours.
I wish I could see him tomorrow night, I need him really bad right now, I feel so empty this week without him. I think its because how we've been lately. I don't know if he notices it, but I do.
I can actually get ANGRY at him now. Instead of just being quiet and brudeing. I'm so comfortable around him...I can't explain it. I've never been that comfortable around anyone, even myself.
Blah. I'm being all mooshy...*sigh* Well, the dishes aren't going to do them selves...
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